White Horse

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel

Comes out just when you need it to

As I paced back and forth all this time

Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on

Stupid girl, I should have known

I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes

And never really had a chance

I had so many dreams about you and me

Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees

Begging for forgiveness, begging for me

Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale

I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

This is a big world, that was a small town

There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse

Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

-Taylor Swift

Light in Your Eyes

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye

All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive

Something your eyes never told me

But it's only now too plain to see

Brilliant disguise when you hold me

And I'm free

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude

Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use

But how could I have known girl

It was time and not space you would need

Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know

But would you believe

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see

There's a place in your heart where I used to be

Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you

Constant reminder of all the things you get used to

Is there a chance in hell or heaven

That there's still something here to build on

Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall

But after all

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see

And a song in the words that you spoke to me

Was I wrong to believe in your melody

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away

Fading away

It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been

Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send

I tried to call your old number

But the voice that I heard on the phone

I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see

And a pain in my heart where you used to be

Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

-Blessid Union of Souls

Love.

to fly or to fall?

Love reminds is like a bird atop of a tree. As you're climbing the tree of love, you see the precious creature at the top and begin the ascent.

The lower branches are easily obtainable and can be a fun diversion, but they're not for you. You long for the wind in your hair, the breath taking views, and hope to learn how to fly.

The closer you get to the top, the more unreliable the branches, making you long for your final destination. To reach the top feels impossible, but you press on and never lose sight of your goal.

You realize the risk, the chance you're taking. But you've dreamt of this your whole life! To reach the top, see the beautiful creature in front of you - up close! You want to see it fly! You want to feel the breeze hit your face to make you feel like, you too, are soaring through the sky.

As you cautiously approach the peak, you move slower, steadier. Frightening the bird would completely defeat the purpose of the climb. Instead, you inch your way closer...

You've made it! The view is unlike anything you have ever imagined. The bird is beautiful and is comfortable with you sharing it's nest. The sun is shining on your face and the breeze wraps itself around you.

As you get caught up in the moment, you raise your hands into the air and believe that you can fly. It's then you realize that the branch beneath you is breaking. At this point you only have two options, fall or learn to fly.



... someday I will learn to fly. Right now I'm just broken from my fall...


Love.

Happy Anniversary

Today I'm in a strange mood. I'm not sad... Not angry... but not happy either. Right now, I'm just existing. I'm doing what it takes to keep my mind occupied. I'm trying to make it a decent day despite what today is to me.

You see, today would be my 6 year anniversary with my ex. This is the first anniversary as an ex too. For those who have been saying to me, "Forget him! Why are you letting this get to you? Get over it." -- please, save it. Honestly, that's not what I want to hear. If you do have the balls to say that to me today, prepare to hear what I think... uncensored.

Yes. I know I should be able to let this go and whatnot. I know that it shouldn't bother me... but it does. It does because I cared that much about someone. I thought I would be spending my entire life with that person. I'm not hung up on him. I'm not longing for the past. I'm just grieving the loss of love today... alright?

Last year at this time, I planned a romantic/fun night in Boston. Eric and I met up with college friends at a pub near Faneuil Hall to catch up and watch the Sox game. After the pub, we'd walk back to our hotel room for the night. The next day, we went on a Harbor cruise and relaxed while seeing the sights in Boston. Sounds great right?? Well throw in a drunken asshole and then the anniversary is ruined.

I thought-- this was it! He was going to propose! I planned this amazing weekend and all he had to do was pop the question. You know what I got? Nothin. Not even a card. I shelled out a crapload of money for all of that and I got nothing. Wait. Yes -- I did get something. I got a hard time and a drunken idiot I had to take care of that night. Wooohooo!

So why am I in a 'mood'? Why am I letting this day get to me? Because I never grieved. I never cried about that night. I just allowed it to happen. I should have said something... should have done something to let him know how hurt I was. Instead, I put on the smile and continued like nothing happened. I should have let him have it... but today I'm going to do what I did that night... stay quiet and put on a smile.

6 years...

I think the thing that stings the most is knowing he's in a new relationship and blissfully happy. God, I wish he was miserable... I wish he was the one spending the day alone thinking about the past... I wish he was missing me and realizing what he lost... but he's not. He found something better... and I'm the one spending the day alone.

I will not spend my day missing him. I don't miss him. I miss the comfort of a relationship. That's all.

I do have plenty to be thankful for... I have an audition on May 2nd. I'm singing the National Anthem on Saturday at the Sharks game. I've been interviewing celebrities. I have my VOICE BACK! Instead of focusing on being alone, I'm going to focus on the good and kick some ass today. I'm going to try to smile.


So please play nice today, Thursday. I just want the weekend to begin.



Love.

Goodbye Cruel World!!

It's official...



I feel like I'm dying. My throat has just about closed up again. My voice is completely impared... yep - the DJ has been silenced. My neck has also doubled in size... not even joking. I feel like death.

I have a doctors appointment today at 2pm where I shall learn my fate. Surgery is definitely in the near future... insurance is not. I love how NH doesn't have any affordable individual health insurance!! It's sad when health insurance costs me more than my monthly car payment... very very sad.


UGH!! Death!!

To Missy - I leave you my kitchen supplies... not like you need them... but I know they will be used and loved :)

To Will - I leave you my movie collection... then you can explain to everyone why you have a t-shirt that says "Don't FUCK with Mr. Zero"

To Veronica - I leave you my shoes... they're hawt and awesome... and so are you!!

To Sorgie - I leave you all of my DJing connections/equipment... put them to good use.

To Chachi - You sir get my Star Wars action figures... yes, I had a huge collection as a kid and I know my dad has them somewhere... if you're willing to dig through the basement, you will find the burried treasure.

To Mad Mike - I leave you ALL of my RedSox stuff... shirts, hats, jackets... you are REQUIRED to wear them to ONE Sox vs Yanks game a year and cheer on my Boston boys.


I know everyone is wondering... WHO GETS MAGGIE AND LUCAS!?!?!

That's the big question... however, I have already promised my kitties to my lil brother Ben. He adores them and it wouldn't be a long trip for them (for those who don't know, my kitties don't travel well... Maggie gets car sick and Lucas... well, let's just say he has amazing vocal skills).

Everything else, please divide up amongst yourselves.

Is it 2pm yet?

Love.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've given a decent update... and since I'm waiting to get into the studio, now seems like a good time.

Life has been... well, for lack of a better term, interesting. Ups and Downs to say the least... I'll give you the 3 major changes in bullet form:

• Retail gig no more: That's right! After months of bitching, I finally quit the retail gig. In fact this Wednesday is my last shift and I cannot wait to hand in my keys. I didn't have much of a choice in the matter... When Kim transferred, they told me I had to pick up her hours and that meant anywhere betweeen 20-35 hours a week... on top of the 30 I already work at the station. AKA - time to quit!!
• Sick Sick Sick: I've been sick since December really... only now I know why. My tonsils NEED to come out!! About a week ago, they decided to close off my throat to the point where I couldn't swallow (I know I know *insert inappropriate joke*). When I went to the doc, he told me the tonsils need to go... Oh yeah, did I mention I don't have health insurance??? When I spoke to the ENT doc yesterday, just for his fees ALONE (no hospital fees attached) would cost me $1100 out of pocket. Yes, I did flip out. I'm trying to find a way to get insurance... it's just money I don't have right now.
• Donnie Wahlberg: I got the chance to meet/interview/flirt with Donnie of the New Kids on the Block... Talk about a chill guy!! He's totally down to earth and sweet. He's now my boyfriend... age ain't nothin but a numba!! Besides, I'm his CoverGirl and he's my Grown Man. We're Hangin Tough together because I got the Right Stuff!! (ok I'll stop)...

That's just a tidbit from my life these days. It's just been overwhelming... so I shut off my phone from Twitter and I've kinda closed myself off from the world until I get these things in order. Thankfully there are some people who reach out when I close myself off and pull me out of the darkness. There are days when a smile means the world. So thank you to those who made me smile ---> you know who you are!

I'll try to update this a little more. So many things are changing! I have a feeling when I DO get these tonsils out, I'll be blogging everyday haha! Until then, I'm just trying to survive.

Love.

Weekend Recap & Thank Yous

Good friends are hard to find. Not only are they the ones who put a smile on your face, but they're always there for you to help you pick up the pieces when life breaks you. This weekend showed me, yet again, what amazing friends I have. They wiped away my tears and put a smile back on my face... to them I say THANK YOU!!

I'm not going to get into what went wrong this weekend... instead here's a mini recap of the fun:

*Rockband/Guitar Hero*

*Sorgie loves his Sammies*

*Missy's cooking*

*Worst Bowler in the WORLD*

*BEWBZ UNITE*

*Strawberry Milkshakes*

*BIJOU!*

*Sitting on the front porch*

*Morning Omlettes*

*Ladies of Mayhem*

*Bittersweet Goodbyes*

Missy & Sorgie - Thank you for your hospitality & your friendship. I love you both and hope to see you again real soon :) I am so thankful I met you.

Veronica - You are, in a word, AMAZING!! Thank you for being there and for caring. Your friendship means the world to me. I heart your face!!


If anyone is ever interested in a "Mayhem takes Manchester" trip, let me know and I'll plan one hell of a trip for you. Until then...



Love.